there was a ghost last night hiding in my wall i tried to let it out i couldn't understand its name through its moans and cries and shouts i felt it brush against my hand i recognized the touch upon my skin my lips my tongue i didn't think i missed you that much i breathed it in and breathed it out your ghost filled up my lungs and mine decided to join too with old forgotten songs that we had shared in other lifetimes when i could hold your heart but i didn't see the open window and your ghost drifted out into the dark come back come back come back come back come back... but you can't come back and you won't come back

it was cold outside i shouldn't have gone but i did and i wanted to find you and bring you inside i called your name but you didn't respond so i shouted and it didn't matter, my voice was lost in the night i tried to go back thinking bout choices, decisions, and all the misshapen steps i had taken to end up here and my feet felt heavy then but they feel heavier now they feel heavier now i sat in the snow hoping and waiting for something like a light or a glimmering shimmer i didn't know my heart was a mess a cinderblock frozen and breaking full of love, full of poison and venom i gave it to you i'd take it all back would that i could but i can't and now there's blood in between all the messes i didn't say and my feet felt heavy then but they feel heavier now they feel heavier now and my blood bled black then but it bleeds redder now it bleeds better now i didn't find your ghost out there you didn't haunt the cold night air but i just couldn't leave and my heart was heavy then you were weighing me down you were weighing me down and tears fell half frozen you were dragging them down you were dragging them down and i tumbled gently you were laying me down you were laying me down

i had a dream that night that things were simpler than they are that i could hold you and you weren't so far with my eyes shut tight you were more than just a ghost you were breathing and laughing but the closer we got the more i choked and i woke and please don't let me go cuz i am almost home i was alone again i shut and rubbed my eyes and constellations flooded and jumped into the sky but they were strangers they were maps of things i hadn't seen and whatever i had thought was you was just pouring from dead galaxies so i'll breathe into your ghost and maybe i'll bring you home in the dream you said "i love you" at the time, i found it true, through and through but the thing that said "i love you" was a misremembered version of you in the dream you said "i love you" and from far away i thought it was true but when you said "i love you" i knew at once it couldn't be you so as long as i'm awake i'll try to fix my mistakes and whenever i'm asleep at least in dreams i know you'll talk to me the dream died down the stars gave up their perch and your ghost blew past me twirling around the elms and birch so for now i'll say "i love you" in the morning light i recognize your face as you turn and mouth "i love you" but it's still too difficult for you to say

inside it was darker than the black night and the door was shut and locked tight and my teeth held back cries inside it was colder than the frostbite and the underside of my eyes still thought you were by my side but i sank down deep into the soil down deep beneath the floorboards and i sank down deep into the ocean flooding underneath the basement because you didn't follow me home cold eyes were searching by the fireside were hoping under streetlights that that's where they'd find someone a lonely heart long gone a ghost without a tied tongue but it was just you and i was still stuck drowning in the basement water rushing off with passports and i sank down deeper into pictures photos taken of the future i tried to look but the water stung cold i know there can be a happy ending this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it and i know that our wounds are slowly mending but this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it black tides were filling up my mind caught under the riptide but you were still miles high soaring away from the roaring despite the alluring fact that the waves inside of you harmonized with the crashing tidal symphonies of drowned things as my lungs cried helplessly for mercy at the flooding walls of history and as i choked you turned away from me there's a time and a place for loving gently this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it but i know that this cannot be the ending this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it i found your ghost last night hiding in my wall it should've stayed inside i gave it life it didn't have a touch of my own light and drowning now, i feel it linger before it disappears the waves rush off to far off places but i'm still here there's a current leading somewhere back to meet you this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it and there will come a time when i'm not see-through this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it but i see it in your eyes, this isn't over this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it and i know that in time we will start over this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it and 'til it is i'll hold my breath a moment keep my lungs aloft with hopeful tunes and my wet eyes readjust to blackness taking in the flooding crawlspace and far away your ghost reconnects with you my mind was soothed by lullabies my hands were held tight by voices tired and kind whispers like timid vespers or cautious testers of lovers' hearts and minds and i'm pulled down rocking all the while pulled away into a healing home where i sleep through oxygen and daylight keeping quiet still and upright until the day i won't have to be alone and i'm sure that day will soon be coming but this isn't it, boy, you know this isn't it but i can see it full of trust and loving but this isn't it, boy, you'll have to wait a bit